| 9. |
[11 Dec 2007|04:56pm] |
What the hell?! I've been sitting here all day and all night, and nothing has happened. And I just got a phone call from you know who, telling me he CHANGED HIS MIND.
They're going to laugh at me! All of them! After all this, he changed his mind, and now they're going to make fun of me! It was all for no reason, and my best shoes got ruined in that stupid fish!
I didn't take him seriously before because he was't showing me any reason to, and now look, he just went back on what he said. I want to die! This is so embarrassing ... Just kill me now, why don't you? Those people didn't mean anything to you in the first place! Just kill them already!
EDIT:
Wtf, look! They're already making fun of me!!
|
|
| 8. |
[11 Dec 2007|04:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
I'm out! He let me out! Granted, it was really gross. The fish puked me up onto a beach, and I had to go to the nearest AE to get some new clothes, and had the hardest time finding a Hot Topic so I could buy some new jelly bracelets. I thought for a minute about hiring a mule to jump on and ride home, but just as I was headed toward the rental stalls I saw a huge dorsal fin in the harbor ... and even I'm not that stupid. Knowing the Mystery Jerk, the frigging fish would probably grow legs and chase me down on land.
I finally made it to Nineveh, and made short work of my task: I jumped right into the middle of the market place and gave them a slightly more urgent version of what "Big J" told me to say. I told 'em, I says, "If you keep it up for another 40 days, God's gonna smite you!" They laughed, but I asked for someone to go tell the king. Lucky for me, the king of Nineveh's a real tinfoil-hat type, so HE BELIEVED ME. He ordered the entire city to put on dresses made out of sack-cloth, fast and sit in ash. Want to know the best part? I was walking through the city and saw that he even made people dress up their farm animals in sack cloth!
ROFLMAO
Fucking
A
B
U
L
O
U
S
Man, I'm gonna go get a front row seat on the next hill and watch the fun - Mr God was such a jerk to me, there's no way this kind of display would work.
|
|
| 7. |
[11 Dec 2007|04:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exanimate |
] |
Alright, I get it. I get it. This guy says he's God. I'm not sure what to make of it, but here I am. In a fish. Alive, after three days of nothing, with working electronics. After getting thrown into the ocean by people helping me escape from where "God" has told me to go. And my last entry has a comment from him saying "How's Nineveh?"
It's so frigging dark in here, and I'm cramped and hungry. I don't know what's so effing special about these Ninevites that means all this has been worth it to that crackhead calling himself "God!" What do I have to go by to believe it's him? If he can do all this crap to me, why not just go smite those assholes himself? Why toy with me and inconvenience me like this? I'm not convinced!
This is all too weird, and I think I'm probably nuts; but even if I am, then I may as well play along! So ...
Oh hai God!
I almost died because of you, which really kind of sucked. I'm in this fish, and it's really dark in here. How am I gonna be able to worship you if I'm stuck here in the dark in this fish? Those other guys ... the guys who threw me overboard ... they're the real culprits, they tried to kill me! Go after them instead, I promise I'll do what you ask if you just let me out, eh? So how's about it?
|
|
| 6. |
[11 Dec 2007|03:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 scared |
] |
.
.
.
You're not going to believe this. I think that joint I smoked was laced, because I am sitting ... in a fish.
The sailors are such decks. They called me up to frigging throw me overboard, because they couldn't get to a port fast enough for their lame asses. I CANNOT SWIM. I wasn't serious when I told them to throw me over! o_o I sank and passed out. I thought I was going to die ... but then I woke up in a FISH. I've been here for hours! And it has really bad gas!
And tbh, I can't for the life of me figure out how ... in this FISH ... my PSP is still working. Or my cell phone, which is RINGING RIGHT NOW. And guess who it is?! WTF
|
|
| 5. |
[11 Dec 2007|02:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
It's really goddamn stormy outside, and I feel like ass. -_- I was woken up very rudely by that obnoxious fat bosun's mate, because all the sailors are running around like a flock of scared chickens about the weather. They're all like "Call on your god, maybe he can help us!" Right, that'll help. Calling on phone stalkers ftw!
Then if that weren't enough, let's draw straws! ...No, I'm serious. They DREW STRAWS to see whose god was pissed off. And as if the lawls weren't enough by that point, of course I got the short straw. Then I had to explain that I'm a Hebrew, so I figured I might as well really kosher-ham it up. I gave them some huge, sarcastic display about oh how mighty is the Lord whom I worshipeth, he who createth the sea and the dry landeth (they really like it when you put "-eth" at the end of words for some reason). I mean, I thought it was funny, but the second I told them this, they went into hysterics. "You're a JEW? Awww shit, what did you do?!" Apparently Big J has a pretty righteous rep for all that smiting he's been going around doing, and this scared the piss out of them.
I thought this was hilarious. When they'd asked me why I needed a ride on their boat, I told them (jokingly) that I was running from God, and they laughed it off. What did they think I meant - a pissed off girlfriend? I dunno. But they pitched such a huge fit about it, as if there were a damn thing I could do, that I said, "Ahh jeez, why don't you just throw me overboard then?" They just stared at me for a few seconds, then turned back to their rowing. ROFL.
They're calling me out on deck again. Ninnies.
|
|
| 4. |
[11 Dec 2007|01:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lazy |
] |
Wow, I'm amazed that I have an internet connection out here on the boat. It's not strong enough to play World of Warcraft, unfortunately, but I suppose it's for the best because it's pretty nice out. I don't get out of the basement much, so seeing the sun on the water is a good change.
I've bought passage on a merchant ship. The men on the ship are pretty varied in their religions, but I am the only Hebrew, and I've heard more than my share of off-color jokes at Jews' expense. ("How do you kill a Jew? Superglue a nickel to the bottom of a swimming pool!" I didn't get the reference in the joke about the difference between Jews and pizzas, but I can assume from the laughter that it wasn't very nice.) I've never really been that devout - I'm a twice-a-year Jew - but I think I'll keep my mouth shut around the sailors.
It's looking like rain suddenly, so I'm going to go belowdeck and take a nap. I hope the ship's bell wakes me up for dinner; I've always been a heavy sleeper.
|
|
| 3. |
[11 Dec 2007|11:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
Posting from my PSP. I grabbed my messenger bag and ran my ass down to the sea to get a ticket for as far away from here as I could. Got one to Tarshish. That's at the other end of the world, so I figure that should be safe, right? Spain? Yeah, no way that weirdo will get me there.
The way I see it, there are two things this whole situation could mean. One, the guy who's been calling me could be a really talented stalker. He's been messing with me on my LJs for months and has found every one of them. Then he started calling me, I couldn't block his number, and I think he tapped my fucking phone line or something.
The other option is that he really is God, and we all know what happens to his prophets! People hate them, throw them into lions dens like old Danny - but even worse, they make fun of them. Nineveh's HUGE. They have a monopoly over the Thursday primetime entertainment industry. Like hell I'm going to have my face up on TV as the next laughing stock of the Mediterranean. Even if they are smited, people will remember me as "that crazy dude." Hell with that, I'm leaving. Even God can't find me in the back alleys of Tarshish. The rats will get him first.
In retrospect, I should have brought some clean underwear. And maybe a toothbrush. My teeth are kinda getting ... wooly.
|
|
| 2. |
[10 Dec 2007|04:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
scared |
] |
Dude, he wouldn't stop calling me. The second that I made it out to the sea, my phone started ringing again. I got tired of listening to the ringer after a while (I couldn't just turn it off because I was waiting for a call from Hannah), so I finally answered the phone and asked what was so important. This guy ... k ... he's really creepy, because he told me he was Jehovah. Rrright. I thought I'd humor him, so I asked him what he wanted, and he told me that I was to go to Nineveh and give them some "I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR" schtick ... h'okay. Whatevs.
I just laughed and hung up. I mean, Jehovah's a scary dude. He's done some pretty awful stuff. Wouldn't want to get on his bad side. But to believe some creep who's been calling me repeatedly on my cell would be him? Laughably doubtful. Granted, using a flaming shrub wasn't the most class act I've heard of. I AM THE MIGHTY CREATOR, PH34R MY SHRUB! Nuclear lollercaust, that.
EDIT: Holy shit. After I posted this entry, I did a search on this dude's phone number and it doesn't exist. I called the cops, and HE PICKED UP ON THE OTHER END AND ASKED HOW MY TRIP TO NINEVEH IS GOING. I'm out of here. I'll get in touch with you later from wherever I go.
|
|
| 1. |
[10 Dec 2007|01:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cranky |
] |
Alright guys, first entry in a new journal. Again. My last accounts all got STALKED by that crazy asshole, and Six Apart are a bunch of schmucks who won't do anything about it. I don't know how he keeps finding me, but I can't seem to get away from him. Yesterday he actually called me on the phone. Before I could register what he was saying, he told me that he's known me since I was a baby and that he wanted to meet somewhere to talk about something. That understandably freaked me the hell out, so I hung up, but he keeps calling me at random intervals and I'm having problems blocking his number.
I'm starting to wonder if it's my parents screwing with me. I mean, they pay for my phone and all.
Okay, my room mate is snoring like someone crammed a locust up his snout, so I'm going to go for a walk out to the sea.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|